Bad Santa! - Porters Placed on Naughty List
The Coal Story - The Soot and Nothing but the Soot
Santa Claus dropped the hammer on the Porter family this Christmas. In documents exclusively attained by the Porter-Reporter, attorneys from North Pole Worldwide, the parent company of Mr. Claus's Kringle Incorporated, served papers indicated that the Porter's appeal of their placement on the infamous "Naughty List" was denied and their Christmas list has been returned unopened.According to a Kringle press release, the Porters should anticipate one lump of coal each under the Christmas tree. The coal edict abides by company policy for anyone placed on said "Naughty List".
The Porters are said to be meeting with their legal team, headed by noted Olympia, WA-based attorney David McIntosh, to determine their next move. "This action is completely arbitrary and the essential nature of denying Christmas to anyone, let alone my clients, is capricious in nature and frankly unfair. From where does Mr. Claus get his authority? My clients are innocent victims of nothing less than a holiday monopoly. Have we now higher court of appeals? Well, I say yes. That is why I have just filed injunction papers on behalf of the Porters so they may enjoy the holiday season like any other mostly law-abiding family.
"Mr. Claus's decision is personal, nothing the Porters have done over the last year warrants this action. I don't like being the one to say it, but Santa is holding a grudge. Plus, who gives out coal anyway? In this age of dramatic climate change due to global warming, it's enviromentally unsound. We vow to keep pressing this issue until these lumps of coal are turned into stockingfulls of shiny Christmas diamonds."
The issue Mr. McIntosh refers to when claiming a personal vendetta against the Porters dates back to December 2005 and the infamous S.A.N.T.A. (Systematic Accumulation of Net Total Assets)system. You may remember, the Porters established the S.A.N.T.A. system as a way to bypass Mr. Claus's monopolization of Christmas. The legality of the system was questioned by Kringle Incorporated and later deemed as an illegal pyramid gifting scheme. Travis Porter spent 8 months incarcerated in a Federal penitentiary and Michele and Julia fled the country to escape further litigation.
To escape the stress of the Kringle decision, the Porters announced they would be leaving their Boise home during the holidays for an extended trip to the Bay area. Multiple sources reporter that they will be staying at the exclusive Westin St. Francis in the heart San Francisco's Union Square where they will be spending quality time with family and friends.
Stay tuned to this ever developing story.
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